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Strangers

Brief encounters that mattered.

“Tell me about a stranger who changed something for you. What did they do, and why did it stick?”

Read the chapter: The face you will not see again →Reflect on strangersSpeak with the book

Facets

The angles strangers keeps showing up at, across thousands of years.

What we owe the vulnerable

Giving aid, welcome, and dignity to the poor, orphaned, captive, and needy is a moral obligation, not a choice.

23 passages · 6 traditions

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Meeting the difficult with calm

Responding to hostility, rudeness, or wrongdoing without anger, retaliation, or inner disturbance.

26 passages · 5 traditions

  • We know best what the infidels say: and thou art not to compel them. Warn then by the Koran those who fear my menace.

    — Qur’an · Qur'an, 50.50:44-45, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗

  • Him I call indeed a Brahmana who is tolerant with the intolerant, mild with fault-finders, and free from passion among the passionate.

    — Buddhism · Dhammapada, 26.v.406, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗

  • that it is a mad man's part, to look that there should be no wicked men in the world, because it is impossible. Now for a man to brook well enough, that there should be wicked men in the world, but not to endure that any should transgress against himself, is against all equity, and indeed tyrannical.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 11.XVI, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Either teach them better if it be in thy power; or if it be not, remember that for this use, to bear with them patiently, was mildness and goodness granted unto thee. The Gods themselves are good unto such; yea and in some things, (as in matter of health, of wealth, of honour,) are content often to further their endeavours: so good and gracious are they. And mightest thou not be so too? or, tell me, what doth hinder thee?

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 9.IX, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • 'They kill me, they cut my flesh; they persecute my person with curses.' What then? May not thy mind for all this continue pure, prudent, temperate, just? As a fountain of sweet and clear water, though she be cursed by some stander by, yet do her springs nevertheless still run as sweet and clear as before; yea though either dirt or dung be thrown in, yet is it no sooner thrown, than dispersed, and she cleared. She cannot be dyed or infected by it.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 8.L, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Keep thyself to the first bare and naked apprehensions of things, as they present themselves unto thee, and add not unto them. It is reported unto thee, that such a one speaketh ill of thee. Well; that he speaketh ill of thee, so much is reported. But that thou art hurt thereby, is not reported: that is the addition of opinion, which thou must exclude.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 8.XLVII, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

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  • To them that are sick of the jaundice, honey seems bitter; and to them that are bitten by a mad dog, the water terrible; and to children, a little ball seems a fine thing. And why then should I be angry? or do I think that error and false opinion is less powerful to make men transgress, than either choler, being immoderate and excessive, to cause the jaundice; or poison, to cause rage?

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 6.LII, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Turn aside evil with that which is better: we best know what they utter against thee.

    — Qur’an · Qur'an, 23.23:96, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗

  • And the servants of the God of Mercy are they who walk upon the Earth softly; and when the ignorant address them, they reply, 'Peace!'

    — Qur’an · Qur'an, 25.25:63, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗

  • Can the Gods, who are immortal, for the continuance of so many ages bear without indignation with such and so many sinners, as have ever been, yea not only so, but also take such care for them, that they want nothing; and dost thou so grievously take on, as one that could bear with them no longer; thou that art but for a moment of time? yea thou that art one of those sinners thyself?

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 7.XLI, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Enjoin my servants to speak in kindly sort: Verily Satan would stir up strifes among them, for Satan is man's avowed foe.

    — Qur’an · Qur'an, 17.17:53, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗

  • But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

    — Hebrew & Christian Bible · Bible, Matthew.Matthew 5:44, tr. King James Version (1611/1769), 1611 ↗

  • When any shall either impeach thee with false accusations, or hatefully reproach thee, or shall use any such carriage towards thee, get thee presently to their minds and understandings, and look in them, and behold what manner of men they be. Thou shalt see, that there is no such occasion why it should trouble thee, what such as they are think of thee. Yet must thou love them still, for by nature they are thy friends.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 9.XXV, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • For hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule.

    — Buddhism · Dhammapada, 1.v.5, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗

  • Whensoever any man doth trespass against other, presently consider with thyself what it was that he did suppose to be good, what to be evil, when he did trespass. For this when thou knowest, thou wilt pity him, thou wilt have no occasion either to wonder, or to be angry. For either thou thyself dost yet live in that error and ignorance... Or if so be that thou dost not any more suppose the same things to be good or evil, that he doth; how canst thou but be gentle unto him that is in an error?

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 7.XIX, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • When at any time thou art offended with any one's impudency, put presently this question to thyself: 'What? Is it then possible, that there should not be any impudent men in the world! Certainly it is not possible.' Desire not then that which is impossible. For this one, (thou must think) whosoever he be, is one of those impudent ones, that the world cannot be without.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 9.XLIII, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Do not speak harshly to anybody; those who are spoken to will answer thee in the same way. Angry speech is painful, blows for blows will touch thee.

    — Buddhism · Dhammapada, 10.v.133, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗

  • Betimes in the morning say to thyself, This day I shalt have to do with an idle curious man, with an unthankful man, a railer, a crafty, false, or an envious man; an unsociable uncharitable man. All these ill qualities have happened unto them, through ignorance of that which is truly good and truly bad. But I that understand the nature of that which is good... How can I either be hurt by any of those, since it is not in their power to make me incur anything that is truly reproachful? or angry, and ill affected towards him, who by nature is so near unto me?

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 1.XV, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Another doth trespass against me. Let him look to that. He is master of his own disposition, and of his own operation. I for my part am in the meantime in possession of as much, as the common nature would have me to possess: and that which mine own nature would have me do, I do.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 5.XIX, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • To those who are good (to me), I am good; and to those who are not good (to me), I am also good;--and thus (all) get to be good. To those who are sincere (with me), I am sincere; and to those who are not sincere (with me), I am also sincere;--and thus (all) get to be sincere.

    — Taoism · Tao Te Ching, 49-56.49, tr. James Legge, 1891 ↗

  • Go ye to Pharaoh, for he hath burst all bounds: But speak ye to him with gentle speech; haply he will reflect or fear.

    — Qur’an · Qur'an, 20.20:43-44, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗

  • Wickedness in general doth not hurt the world. Particular wickedness doth not hurt any other: only unto him it is hurtful, whosoever he be that offends. For else another man's wickedness might be my evil which God would not have, that it might not be in another man's power to make me unhappy: which nothing now can do but mine own wickedness.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 8.LIII, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • If a man offend a harmless, pure, and innocent person, the evil falls back upon that fool, like light dust thrown up against the wind.

    — Buddhism · Dhammapada, 9.v.125, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗

  • A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

    — Hebrew & Christian Bible · Bible, Proverbs.Proverbs 15:1, tr. King James Version (1611/1769), 1611 ↗

  • To desire things impossible is the part of a mad man. But it is a thing impossible, that wicked man should not commit some such things. Neither doth anything happen to any man, which in the ordinary course of nature as natural unto him doth not happen.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 5.XVI, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • All men are made one for another: either then teach them better, or bear with them.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 8.LVI, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

Reading strangers before trusting them

Discerning a person's true character through their actions, words, and the company they keep.

10 passages · 3 traditions

  • Good people shine from afar, like the snowy mountains; bad people are not seen, like arrows shot by night.

    — Buddhism · Dhammapada, 21.v.304, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗

  • For one word a man is often deemed to be wise, and for one word he is often deemed to be foolish. We ought to be careful indeed in what we say.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 19.25, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • There are three friendships which are advantageous, and three which are injurious. Friendship with the upright; friendship with the sincere; and friendship with the man of much observation:-- these are advantageous. Friendship with the man of specious airs; friendship with the insinuatingly soft; and friendship with the glib-tongued:-- these are injurious.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 16.4, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits.

    — Hebrew & Christian Bible · Bible, Matthew.Matthew 7:15-16, tr. King James Version (1611/1769), 1611 ↗

  • When the multitude hate a man, it is necessary to examine into the case. When the multitude like a man, it is necessary to examine into the case.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 15.27, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • The scent of flowers does not travel against the wind, nor (that of) sandal-wood, or of Tagara and Mallika flowers; but the odour of good people travels even against the wind; a good man pervades every place.

    — Buddhism · Dhammapada, 4.v.54, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗

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Courtesy that crosses every boundary

Small acts of consistent respect and sincere conduct hold together the social fabric between people of any origin.

16 passages · 7 traditions

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  • Let his words be sincere and truthful, and his actions honourable and careful;-- such conduct may be practised among the rude tribes of the South or the North. If his words be not sincere and truthful and his actions not honourable and careful, will he, with such conduct, be appreciated, even in his neighborhood?

    — Confucianism · Analects, 15.5, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • make your [study of the] Torah a fixed practice; speak little, but do much; and receive all men with a pleasant countenance.

    — Rabbinic Judaism · Pirkei Avot, 1.1:15, tr. Sefaria (CC-BY), 2024 ↗

  • The acquaintance might be long, but he showed the same respect as at first.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 5.16, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • It is, in retirement, to be sedately grave; in the management of business, to be reverently attentive; in intercourse with others, to be strictly sincere. Though a man go among rude, uncultivated tribes, these qualities may not be neglected.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 13.19, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • When he saw any one in a mourning dress, though it might be an acquaintance, he would change countenance; when he saw any one wearing the cap of full dress, or a blind person, though he might be in his undress, he would salute them in a ceremonious manner.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 10.16, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • Let the superior man never fail reverentially to order his own conduct, and let him be respectful to others and observant of propriety:-- then all within the four seas will be his brothers.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 12.5, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • Use thyself when any man speaks unto thee, so to hearken unto him, as that in the interim thou give not way to any other thoughts; that so thou mayst (as far as is possible) seem fixed and fastened to his very soul, whosoever he be that speaks unto thee.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 6.XLVIII, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • He will blunt his sharp points and unravel the complications of things; he will attemper his brightness, and bring himself into agreement with the obscurity (of others). This is called 'the Mysterious Agreement.'

    — Taoism · Tao Te Ching, 49-56.56, tr. James Legge, 1891 ↗

  • We are all born to be fellow-workers, as the feet, the hands, and the eyelids; as the rows of the upper and under teeth: for such therefore to be in opposition, is against nature; and what is it to chafe at, and to be averse from, but to be in opposition?

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 1.XV, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • When you go abroad, to behave to every one as if you were receiving a great guest; to employ the people as if you were assisting at a great sacrifice; not to do to others as you would not wish done to yourself.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 12.2, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

Silent presence and timely restraint

Knowing when not to speak, correct, or intrude is itself a form of care for those we encounter.

5 passages · 4 traditions

  • From Alexander the Grammarian, to be un-reprovable myself, and not reproachfully to reprehend any man for a barbarism, or a solecism, or any false pronunciation, but dextrously by way of answer, or testimony, or confirmation of the same matter (taking no notice of the word) to utter it as it should have been spoken; or by some other such close and indirect admonition, handsomely and civilly to tell him of it.

    — Stoicism · Meditations, 1.VII, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗

  • Do not try to appease your friend during his hour of anger; Nor comfort him at the hour while his dead still lies before him; Nor question him at the hour of his vow; Nor strive to see him in the hour of his disgrace.

    — Rabbinic Judaism · Pirkei Avot, 4.4:18, tr. Sefaria (CC-BY), 2024 ↗

  • When a man may be spoken with, not to speak to him is to err in reference to the man. When a man may not be spoken with, to speak to him is to err in reference to our words. The wise err neither in regard to their man nor to their words.

    — Confucianism · Analects, 15.7, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗

  • be of the disciples of Aaron, loving peace and pursuing peace, loving mankind and drawing them close to the Torah.

    — Rabbinic Judaism · Pirkei Avot, 1.1:12, tr. Sefaria (CC-BY), 2024 ↗

  • So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.

    — Hebrew & Christian Bible · Bible, Job.Job 2:13, tr. King James Version (1611/1769), 1611 ↗

Acts that outlast the encounter

Brief gestures of help or honesty ripple outward in ways the giver cannot predict or require thanks for.

8 passages · 4 traditions

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