Parenting
Raising people, being raised, the long handoff between generations.
“What is one thing about parenting (or being parented) that surprised you — and what did you learn from it?”
Facets
The angles parenting keeps showing up at, across thousands of years.
Guiding without grasping
The best teachers and parents shape those in their care without dominating, claiming, or overcontrolling them.
11 passages · 5 traditions
'Ch'iu is retiring and slow; therefore, I urged him forward. Yu has more than his own share of energy; therefore I kept him back.'
— Confucianism · Analects, 11.21, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
It produces them and makes no claim to the possession of them; it carries them through their processes and does not vaunt its ability in doing so; it brings them to maturity and exercises no control over them;--this is called its mysterious operation.
Can there be love which does not lead to strictness with its object? Can there be loyalty which does not lead to the instruction of its object?
— Confucianism · Analects, 14.8, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
I do not open up the truth to one who is not eager to get knowledge, nor help out any one who is not anxious to explain himself. When I have presented one corner of a subject to any one, and he cannot from it learn the other three, I do not repeat my lesson.
— Confucianism · Analects, 7.8, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
The sage and the man of perfect virtue;-- how dare I rank myself with them? It may simply be said of me, that I strive to become such without satiety, and teach others without weariness.
— Confucianism · Analects, 7.33, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
The superior man, having obtained their confidence, may then impose labours on his people. If he have not gained their confidence, they will think that he is oppressing them. Having obtained the confidence of his prince, one may then remonstrate with him. If he have not gained his confidence, the prince will think that he is vilifying him.
— Confucianism · Analects, 19.10, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
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And kindly lower thy wing over the faithful who follow thee. And if they disobey thee, then say: 'I will not be answerable for your doings.'
Let each man direct himself first to what is proper, then let him teach others; thus a wise man will not suffer.
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 12.v.158, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
(The Tao) produces (all things) and nourishes them; it produces them and does not claim them as its own; it does all, and yet does not boast of it; it presides over all, and yet does not control them.
All men are made one for another: either then teach them better, or bear with them.
— Stoicism · Meditations, 8.LVI, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗
Him that offends, to teach with love and meekness, and to show him his error. But if thou canst not, then to blame thyself; or rather not thyself neither, if thy will and endeavours have not been wanting.
— Stoicism · Meditations, 10.IV, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗
What children inherit from us
Character, virtue, and error pass from one generation to the next through example, instruction, and imitation.
10 passages · 8 traditions
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
— Hebrew & Christian Bible · Bible, Proverbs.Proverbs 22:6, tr. King James Version (1611/1769), 1611 ↗
If a man make himself as he teaches others to be, then, being himself well subdued, he may subdue (others); one's own self is indeed difficult to subdue.
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 12.v.159, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
Of my grandfather Verus I have learned to be gentle and meek, and to refrain from all anger and passion. From the fame and memory of him that begot me I have learned both shamefastness and manlike behaviour. Of my mother I have learned to be religious, and bountiful; and to forbear, not only to do, but to intend any evil; to content myself with a spare diet, and to fly all such excess as is incidental to great wealth.
— Stoicism · Meditations, 1.I, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗
If you do not learn the Odes, you will not be fit to converse with. If you do not learn the rules of Propriety, your character cannot be established.
— Confucianism · Analects, 16.13, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
What the wise choose The unwise people take; what best men do The multitude will follow.
— Hinduism · Bhagavad Gita, 2.Chapter III, middle section, tr. Edwin Arnold, 1885 ↗
Let your evinced desires be for what is good, and the people will be good. The relation between superiors and inferiors, is like that between the wind and the grass. The grass must bend, when the wind blows across it.
— Confucianism · Analects, 12.19, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
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They found their fathers erring, and they hastened on in their footsteps.
If we could renounce our sageness and discard our wisdom, it would be better for the people a hundredfold. If we could renounce our benevolence and discard our righteousness, the people would again become filial and kindly. If we could renounce our artful contrivances and discard our (scheming for) gain, there would be no thieves nor robbers.
When harmony no longer prevailed throughout the six kinships, filial sons found their manifestation; when the states and clans fell into disorder, loyal ministers appeared.
At five years of age the study of Scripture; At ten the study of Mishnah; At thirteen subject to the commandments; At fifteen the study of Talmud; At eighteen the bridal canopy; At twenty for pursuit [of livelihood]; At thirty the peak of strength; At forty wisdom; At fifty able to give counsel; At sixty old age; At seventy fullness of years; At eighty the age of "strength"; At ninety a bent body; At one hundred, as good as dead and gone completely out of the world.
— Rabbinic Judaism · Pirkei Avot, 5.5:21, tr. Sefaria (CC-BY), 2024 ↗
Attachment's hidden weight
Love for children and family can become a burden, an illusion of ownership, or even a distraction from deeper truth.
9 passages · 3 traditions
'As often as a father kisseth his child, he should say secretly with himself' (said Epictetus,) 'tomorrow perchance shall he die.' But these words be ominous. No words ominous (said he) that signify anything that is natural.
— Stoicism · Meditations, 11.XXX, tr. George Long, 1862 ↗
A time indeed there was, will they say, when we were full of care as to the future lot of our families; But kind hath God been to us, and from the pestilential torment hath he preserved us; For, heretofore we called upon Him—and He is the Beneficent, the Merciful.
On that day shall a man fly from his brother, And his mother and his father, And his wife and his children; For every man of them on that day his own concerns shall be enough.
— Qur’an · Qur'an, 90-80.80:34-37, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗
Wise people do not call that a strong fetter which is made of iron, wood, or hemp; far stronger is the care for precious stones and rings, for sons and a wife.
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 24.v.345, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
Sons are no help, nor a father, nor relations; there is no help from kinsfolk for one whom death has seized.
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 20.v.288, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
"These sons belong to me, and this wealth belongs to me," with such thoughts a fool is tormented. He himself does not belong to himself; how much less sons and wealth?
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 5.v.62, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
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Not a mother, not a father will do so much, nor any other relative; a well-directed mind will do us greater service.
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 3.v.43, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
Enjoin prayer on thy family, and persevere therein. We ask not of thee to find thine own provision-we will provide for thee, and a happy issue shall there be to piety.
— Qur’an · Qur'an, 20.20:132, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗
And who say, 'O our Lord! give us in our wives and offspring the joy of our eyes, and make us examples to those who fear thee.'
— Qur’an · Qur'an, 25.25:74, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗
Protecting the vulnerable young
Children—especially orphans and the unborn—have claims on adult society that must not be ignored or violated.
7 passages · 4 traditions
Aye. But ye honour not the orphan, Nor urge ye one another to feed the poor, And ye devour heritages, devouring greedily, And ye love riches with exceeding love.
— Qur’an · Qur'an, 78-75.89:17-20, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗
They are, in regard to the aged, to give them rest; in regard to friends, to show them sincerity; in regard to the young, to treat them tenderly.
— Confucianism · Analects, 5.25, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
Kill not your children for fear of want: for them and for you will we provide. Verily, the killing them is a great wickedness.
— Qur’an · Qur'an, 17.17:31, tr. J. M. Rodwell, 1861 ↗
He who always greets and constantly reveres the aged, four things will increase to him, viz. life, beauty, happiness, power.
— Buddhism · Dhammapada, 8.v.109, tr. F. Max Müller, 1881 ↗
Did he not find thee an orphan and gave thee a home? And found thee erring and guided thee, And found thee needy and enriched thee.
A youth is to be regarded with respect. How do we know that his future will not be equal to our present? If he reach the age of forty or fifty, and has not made himself heard of, then indeed he will not be worth being regarded with respect.
— Confucianism · Analects, 9.22, tr. James Legge, 1893 ↗
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Beauty, strength, riches, honor, wisdom, [old age], gray hair, and children are becoming to the righteous, and becoming to the world.
— Rabbinic Judaism · Pirkei Avot, 6.6:8, tr. Sefaria (CC-BY), 2024 ↗